catsittingstill | Difficult Choices

I live in rural Tennessee. It's very pretty and green, and there are lakes nearby, and some very nice people, but we are mostly here because my husband's job is here and jobs like it are not thick on the ground.
One of the problems is the Christianity of the area.
They just assume everyone is Christian, and they just walk in and take things over. Any potluck becomes an opportunity to parade their piety in front of each other by praying. And every time it happens I have two seconds to make up my mind. Am I going be true to myself, and supportive of any other closet non Christian who may be attending, by refusing to participate and then live with whatever fallout comes my way for having been revealed as an unbeliever? (And for "making unpleasantness" because you know perfectly well people are going to blame me for objecting rather than Christians for dragging their religion into a secular event in order to be admired for their piety.) Or am I going to knuckle under and stay in the closet, because it's not like I can move away any time soon?
I find that I resent being forced to make this choice over and over and over. So far I have always knuckled under and then felt bad about it. But I hate it. To the point where I'm thinking about just not attending potlucks any more.

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Get a placard or t-shirt that says "Matthew 6:5–6"?

Is that the one that starts "Do not be like the hypocrites" and ends "and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."?

Yep!

I know how you feel; my profession of choice is overwhelmingly Christian and conservative, if there's a business dinner I'm required to attend and someone decides to say Grace it's equally likely they will invoke Jesus.

I will admit I have sometimes thought - if not even quietly muttered - a b'racha. Which at least is being true to myself.

*hugs*

Ugh I hear you I left Christianity rather than act like this.

Yeah. I hear you. Those are definitely difficult choices.

Thanks. It is good to feel I am understood.

I remember when I had a very new job, listening to one of the lawyers obviously thinking that the word Lesbian was too embarrassing or too shameful to say, and I wanted to tell him it wasn't a dirty word, and decided I didn't want to risk the job. I had a very small child to support.

But it still felt horrible to not speak up.

That sucks, I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Would "objecting" be more intrusive than simply refusing to pray? Like, I would envision a spectrum from "pretending to pray" to "simply not praying" to "asking people not to pray at a potluck".

But yeah, a friend from KY/TN said that "What church do you go to?" was a common greeting question. Something I'm not sure I have ever been asked in my life in more liberal-urban USA. (Occasionally "what religion are you?" but not even that for a long time.)

Now I'm wondering what would cause more trouble: showing up as a known atheist or showing up in an N95 mask.

Edited 2023-04-02 19:09 (UTC)

This was my thought -- the way I handle these things when I am visiting family, and dealt with them before I moved away, was by not interrupting their prayers, but not pretending to participate. I'll stand/sit quietly while they have their prayer, but I don't close my eyes, fold my hands, bend my head, whatever. This means I can make eye contact and exchange smiles with anyone else who is likewise not praying. :)

After the first couple of times that someone asked, surprised, "you're not praying?" and I responded with a smile and a polite "no" with no further explanation, they stopped asking. I get some side eye looks occasionally, but being firm about my boundaries seems to stop people from crossing the social boundaries of pestering me about it. Do you think that would help in your situation?

That is already what I do, but it feels like trying to pass as Christian to make the Christians feel better about what they are doing.

... Simply not saying any words is what I do now, but it feels like trying to pass as Christian. However the part that gave me more trouble recently was everybody trying to hold hands in a circle while someone said grace. It was a pretty cramped area and there was no way to step out of the way to let people take hands across me so I had half a second to decide whether to take hands or make a production out of the fact that I wasn't going to. And frankly, if they had just had a goddamn moment of silence like reasonable people who wanted to say grace but didn't want to force their religion on others, they all could have said their grace internally and not made a big production out of how they're all Christians together and anyone who isn't isn't part of the group.

I will say, the places I've been, nobody has made trouble about me wearing a KF94 mask. And since neither the clinic nor the League of Women Voters can afford to lose my volunteer hours, I'd be damn surprised if anybody did.

>>Any potluck becomes an opportunity to parade their piety in front of each other by praying.<<

Just remember how Jesus felt about the Pharisees ostentatiously performing religion rather than believing or doing good deeds. Let's say, some folks are going to get a very rude awakening when they cross over.

>>To the point where I'm thinking about just not attending potlucks any more.<<

That's probably a good idea.

I have largely quit doing social events because society's appalling behavior has exceeded my tolerance. I've never been a good match for this world, but it is getting rapidly worse. I can't make people stop being assholes, but to the extent that I can choose to avoid them while they are being assholes, I am increasingly inclined to avoid them.

Oh, and potlucks? My county's fuckwad racist "health board" banned homemade food at events. Only professionally catered food is allowed now. So that was the end of my interest. This was after a previous case of killing off our powwow by only allowing restaurant based food at it. >_< They can be assholes, I can stay home, and my money can stay in my pocket.

I have occasionally thought about demanding my turn to lead prayer, opening the bible, and then reading the bit about "do not be like the hypocrites for they LOVE to pray, standing on the street corners and in the churches to be seen by human beings; I tell you now they have received their reward in full. But when YOU pray, *go into your room and shut the door* and your Father who sees what is done in SECRET will reward you."

(The translation I learned as a child in Catholic school actually had "closet" in place of "room.")

The problem with not attending potlucks anymore is that just provides more evidence for Christians that they don't need to worry about anyone else's feelings because the only people around here are Christians.

I'm sorry your health board are cooperating with racists and helping work toward public spaces being only for those with money. That sucks.

Oooh, I like that quote. Maybe if you read the passage and then invited people to take a moment to reflect on it, then moved into a generic feeling blessed to have good friends and good food you could heal over the awkwardness it would doubtless cause a bit before the meal.

I am currently working on a rewrite of A Soulin to try to make it less exclusionary to the people who are not religious or not Christian (and also less gendered). One of the things that occurred to me is that in lines like "If you haven't got a ha'penny then God bless you" it would work fine for people to choose between "God" "Gods" and "Good" without ruining the feel or flow of the line even if they were all singing together.

Thids right here is why I will always be a bit more pagan than Christian (Besides being Christopagan which is is own set ow weirds) because that shit piss me/us all the way off.

Is also one of the reason I left, not to mention other reasons, which I believe you are aware of.

I'm sorry, that sucks, and I feel/hear you here.

-T~

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